The land of rising sun

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." Words in a car rental brochure in Tokyo.

Thats Japan for you. With very little English existing in the country, the very few translations in English bring back the good memories of language the master PG Wodehouse uses in his works.

With no updates for the last three months, finally I wriggled out some time to post something after going through many Wodehouse like experiences in the land of rising sun. Yes, I had to pack and toodle off to Tokyo for another assignment. Everytime I come to this country, it just drives me into a frenzy thinking of all the situations Wooster always found himself in.

Just the other day, in February, I was trying to figure out an AC control panel and this Japanese engineer working with me tells me pointing at some switches on the panel - "This switch - control outside Air temperature. ". It is much to say that there was a dead silence. There could never be that in any room in which a Japanese was eating noodles (Shhhlllrruuppp). It was snowing outside and was very cold, so I decided to make it a bit warm and comfortable outside. I turned up the AC. The company will be footing one heck of an electricity bill this winter. Spring has arrived. It took 12 days for the AC to get the outside temperature back to level where it makes a man think that god is in his place and everything is right with the world.

Once the great man said about the difference between him and Shakespeare:
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I suppose the fundamental distinction between Shakespeare and myself is one of treatment. We get our effects differently. Take the familiar farcical situation of the man who suddenly discovers that something unpleasant is standing behind him. Here is how Shakespeare handles it (The Winter's Tale, Act 3, Scene 3).
``... Farewell!

A lullaby too rough. I never saw
The heavens so dim by day. A savage clamour!
Well may I get aboard! This is the chase:
I am gone for ever.
(Exit pursued by a bear.)''

``Touch of indigestion, Jeeves?''
``No, Sir.''
``Then why is your tummy rumbling?''
``Pardon me, Sir, the noise to which you allude does not emanate from my interior but from that of that animal that has just joined us.''
``Animal? What animal?''
``A bear, Sir. If you will turn your head, you will observe that a bear is standing in your immediate rear inspecting you in a somewhat menacing manner.''
I pivoted the loaf. The honest fellow was perfectly correct. It was a bear. And not a small bear, either. One of the large economy size. Its eye was bleak and it gnashed a tooth or two, and I could see at a g. that it was going to be difficult for me to find a formula.
``Advise me, Jeeves,'' I yipped. ``What do I do for the best?''
``I fancy it might be judicious if you were to make an exit, Sir.''
No sooner s. than d. I streaked for the horizon, closely followed across country by the dumb chum. And that, boys and girls, is how your grandfather clipped six seconds off Roger Bannister's mile.

Who can say which method is superior?
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One of the reasons, even a short story from PG Wodehouse makes for pages and pages of pure fun. Even a short meeting in India can run for hours when done in Japan. For discussing the smallest of things involved in chip design, I take hours to convince every body in the room, including the dustbins and fax machine in the room. The issue at hand seems to be so interesting to everybody that it reminds me of a quote :

His whole attitude recalled irresistibly to the mind that of some assiduous hound who will persist in laying a dead rat on the drawing-room carpet, though repeatedly apprised by word and gesture that the market for same is sluggish or even non-existent.


One of the primary reason for the meeting with Japanese taking too long is the language problem. I dont understand any Japanese and the same can be said with 50% confidence about they understanding English. They can speak broken English. They can not pronounce R and T. For R they replace it by L and T is replaced by S. One of the conversations where the Japanese did these replacements by the lack of pronouncability of T and R:

Japanese : I shink shis pash has a ploblem.
Vivek : No this pass is not yet complete. We still need to finish it. There is a long way to go and I am sure we can converge.
Japanese : Shis pash not look good.
Vivek : Well, its not yet complete.
Japanese : Shlew has a ploblem.
VIvek : Slew is under control. I can vouch for that.
Japanese : Vouch? You say vouch.
Vivek : Well I am reasonably confident.
Japanese ; Confiden?
Vivek : I think slew is not a problem.
Japanese : No?
Vivek : Yes.
Japanese : Yes? Ploblem light?
Vivek : No its not a ploblem, sorry problem.
Japanese : We need to fix is.
Vivek : But its not a problem.
Japanese : No ploblem?
Vivek : Yes no ploblem.
Japanese : Ok, when can I ges a fix?
Vivek : But slew is not a problem!!
Japanese : You say shlew not a ploblem.
Vivek : Yes
Japanese : Ok, we need fix.
Vivek : Ok. Let me explain. I think slew is not a problem and I am not going to fix it.
Japanese : I show you ploblem
Vivek : Please show me slew ploblem.

At this points he starts righting on the board "force timing false -through A/Y "

Vivek : You mean through. You were saying it as shlew and I though you were talking about slew.
Japanese : yes I say about shlew. You shink I say slew?

Hahahahahaha (Laughter ringing through the room like a train entering a tunnel, in a hurry to avoid a collision on its rearside by another Shinkansen (bullet train)).

Vivek : Shlew, I mean through can be fixed in my next attempt.
Japanese : Ok when do we fix?
Vivek : Tomorrow
Japanese : ok


Now you see, how "Exit pursued by a bear" can be turned into "No sooner s. than d. I streaked for the horizon, closely followed across country by the dumb chum. And that, boys and girls, is how your grandfather clipped six seconds off Roger Bannister's mile. "

Food is a major problem here in Japan. Mine is a refined and poetic nature. I like to be surrounded by joy and life, and I know nothing more joyless and deader than a dead fish. I am bored of eating fried chicken, so have come down to eating only salads. I am not dieting. I am not one for it. I believe in eating and exercising (when I can). Exercise could be running behind Tavish all day long. The man has said about dieting:

It has sometimes seemed to me (said Mr. Mulliner, thoughtfully sipping his scotch and lemon) that to the modern craze for dieting may be attributed all the unhappiness that is afflicting the world today....
This is what happened in the case of China and Japan. It is this that lies at the root of all the unpleasantness in the Polish corridor. And look at India. Why is there unrest in India? Because its inhabitants eat only an occasional handful of rice. The day when Mahatma Gandhi sits down to a good juicy steak and follows it up with a roly-poly pudding and a spot of stilton, you will see the end of all this nonsense of Civil Disobedience.


Japanese seem to be scared of foreigners. I can not recollect the word for that kind of phobia. Xenophobia is the word that suggests itself. I am missing my Jeeves (Roshni). They just are scared to interact with people of western origin. I being from India feel like a westerner here in Japan. The only person who ever tried to interact with me on the train was an old man. He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble. He told me, "Japanese people afraid of foreigners".

Drinking and smoking is prevalent in Japan. People drink all night in Japan. Why because they miss the last train at 12 midnight. So might as well drink all night. They go by the 7 AM train back. The first train is at 6 AM, then why by the 7AM train, you might ask. Because the 6 AM train is full of drunkards.

Thats life in Japan. There is more to it with all the good hearted people in Japan.

The only book I brought from India to give me company was "Life of Pi". It was interesting except for the gory details of food eaten by Pi. You do not find any goryness in Wodehouse. And thats why, first thing after reaching India is to buy some more of his work and start reading it. Till then some more quotes from the man:

He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life, and found a dead beetle at the bottom.


The rule by which he had always lived was that the best would have to do until something better came along.


Boko Bagshott we called him. Took a girl to supper once at the Gardenia. Supper scarcely concluded when an angry old gentleman plunges into the room and starts shaking his fist in Boko's face. Boko rises with chivalrous gesture. ``Have no fear, sir. I am a man of honour. I will marry your daughter.'' ``Daughter?'' says the old gentleman, foaming a little at the mouth. ``Damn it, that's my wife.'' Took all Boko's tact to pass it off, I believe.

He then turned to the subject of the clock . . . ``My father bought it many years ago. He took it everywhere with him.'' Here . . . I might have [asked] . . . him if his parent wouldn't have found it simpler to have worn a wristwatch


Toodle-oo till next time.